I'm Afraid of Everything

by Human Kitten

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1.
E, Fm, A (picked) My mind is haunting me The public life is turning me into a fraud E, Fm, A Podcasts drown out the pain E, Fm, A, (B, A, E) I only wish I could be listening to them with you E, Fm, A When you watch a sitcom E, Fm, A, (B, A, E) Is it analogous to your life or do you get caught up in the fantasy B, C#, A Where friends are witty and conscientious Fm There is no long stretch of time A Where you will feel alone and confined Fm, (B, A, E) To an endless, hopeless, shameful fucking life
2.
four liters of blood taken from my veins is lousy there is nothing i can do to escape this broken sickly body except to loosen the reigns that i have on my brain redirect the reality towards something that sustains four ounces of matter taken from my brain is social reform there is nothing i can do to distract you from the things you adorn with all your heart and mind that you have to provide i wish you saw me as something more than just a vehicle you collide
3.
This is not who I am This is not who I wanted to be So dependent on society To take care of me Treatment for mental illness Is a poor excuse for inclusiveness And I’m not sure you respect me If you can’t understand that it’s not all in my head You fall down as much as I do Nobody understands that we’re not trying to create distance No, we’re just caught up in our own heads Oh so possessed by the spirits that tell us not to do shit Why do you fight all of the lovely people in your life When you choose to insist that you’re alone? What puts you above all of the love that you've been given? Oh, why don't we just take a deep breath? This is not who I am This is not who I wanted to be So dependent on a community That won’t even put it’s trust in me
4.
you interpret the things around you through the pain that other people gave you you gotta learn that early or it’s gonna be hard sometimes I wish I could just shut off so I didn’t have to make your life suck the road to depression is paved with good intentions but it’s not enough to be exposed and disposed of neglect is not a synonym for tough love I want to smother every bit of negativity I hold What would be left and would it be worth keeping at all? i had lost my will to live, which made me lose my will to give which put me in a place where I could no longer complain That I wasn’t getting enough That I wasn’t getting enough I wasn’t getting enough as fate would have it, being ashamed for a mistaken face is a mistake i'll never make again talk about justice and expect someone to take the fall, real and true, but we’re crushed when they never really do you tell me all the reasons you hate me and it feels like you're listing off the symptoms of a borderline personality and I know I am not tethered to all the behaviors or the thoughts I know one day I could rise above it all but for now my illness makes people think I really suck and I guess for a couple more years I need to suck it up need to suck it up need to suck it up need to suck it up need to suck it up
5.
02:12
Driving into oncoming traffic is a daydream of mine I would do anything to wear my illness on the outside Selfishly thinking that I suffer more, so my art must be better, More worthy to see, oh the fucking audacity of me And I’ve come to regret everyone that I’ve put trust in And that has gotten me nowhere It’s hard to make friends, when you’re broken and bitter, out and in But I can’t convince anyone to care Wondering why I’m incapable of bottling it all up Like everyone else, that has learned not to give a fuck About what they all think, about what they all say Well I’m sorry, I just care too much, I think I’ll stay in bed today And I’m aimlessly obsessed with despair, like an eight-year old kid thinking life is unfair I hate how I’m only somewhat self-aware And I’d rather be a comedian than a songwriter But my pain is more real than my laughter Oh yes, my fear contaminates all of my candor Yeah, I’m constantly feeling emptier, a husk of thinly veiled banter My neurotransmitters are a nuclear war disaster
6.
I just got another job, but I'm still not busy enough To distract from the existential torture of being alone Sometimes the only solution is to get up off the couch And remind yourself there's definitely a fucking way to get out Of this thought process you have defined as yourself for too long, for too long There are priceless bits of wisdom if you'll open your ears To the people that you thought were consumed by their fears You're not the result of your successes and failures Just a brain using perception to figure out what is real If this isn't real Than nothing is real And I'll be the first to admit that I was wrong all along Let's get the fuck outta town man, go sing some songs To strangers in a basement in a house somewhere There's not enough time to think about Everything Oh it's too confusing But I just got another job and I'm still not busy enough To distract from the constant fucking torture of existing alone
7.
Do you ever feel like you’re alone And you can’t pick yourself up off the ground, unless your skeleton is slipping out Forward thinking could mean anything Your feelings mean next to nothing inside of me Tonight Our pain becomes a set of laws that we abide by Do you ever need to get something done But there are too many voices screaming in your ear, I guess I’ll deal with it after another beer Addiction and apathy are taking hold of me Self-deprecating doppelgangers weren’t meant to be You're like a machine, jacked up on caffeine, and you’ve been crying I can tell by the reflecting light on your laptop screen And you can’t be saved now, no, no one can be saved The dogs are jumping out the windows into the alleyway
8.
D#5 Broke down in a rest stop bathroom A#5 Fell asleep at the wheel G#5 I felt nothing when I left there A#5, G#5, D#5 Felt everything an hour and a half away I just wish I could stay in one place For over six months But I'm too scared Of no one really knowing me for who I really am D#5, A#5 I’m a joke, I’m a coward and an asshole F5 I write songs about myself G5, G#5 Selfless is the last word I’d use to describe D#5, A#5 Any part of my empty rotting social life F5 Distance is an asshole G5, G#5 That I wanna rip apart from the D#5, A#5, G#5 Inside D#5, A#5, G#5 Wanna rip apart from the inside F5 And all my friends are gone G5, D#5 Cause state lines perform as prison guards F5 An economic strain G5, D#5 On ever doing anything Buy a bus ticket to see you But this isn’t the way you wanted it to be I don’t have to burn bridges When they always crumble down behind me
9.
People will believe things about you that aren't true And at the end of the day, this will never change Yelling over and over so you’ll hear me say I’ll write a thousand songs and I'll make my words concise This personality I’ve nurtured is much too weak to fight It won’t be understood and trust will melt away “Fuck you Elijah” Today is just another day that’s not my day Another face looking at me with hate The kind of class that makes you feel permanently late And these perceptions make me angry but mostly I want to die I want release from being misunderstood for my whole entire life Not a masculine bone in my body, no curtain drawn inside I want everyone to look in and see the whole me But everybody hates me
10.
sitting here like a statue only thinking rocky thoughts overtaken by vegetation, regretting all the things i've bought and would you believe the things ive seen sitting alone here in my bedroom the things i thought i believed, they have broken seams and then the seizures, they put me to sleep spent so much time in a solitary mind, lost all the shoulders that i could confide on tried to bother nothing and no one, felt like a nuisance to the people outside and who needs communication when you can just assume everybody's intentions take the pain that someone else gave you, and pass it on to the next like a virus we're all guilty in some ways but lets try to break the chain i refuse to be used as a scapegoat for your abuse i reclaim myself, i reclaim my life, and my right to be loved so let's stop letting other people dictate our behaviors let the sun rise on your grievances, destroy our false saviors so take a deep breath and keep moving forward i will not take a bow just because i dont know how to be a good friend yet doesnt mean i'll never learn how
11.
Feels like I’ve been losing touch with my altruistic side I can’t help myself, so I might as well help anybody else Close my eyes and slow my breath, I’m the only one left Too many thoughts are racing by, so I smile and say “hi” “My name’s Elijah and I will be serving you tonight” “I promise to listen to your problems, even though I know I can’t solve them” Constant shifting beating in the hearts of the weak I’ve needed to adapt to all this change, or else I’d go insane Insane, insane, or else I'd go, or else I’d go insane
12.
You said it’s easier on the outside looking in But that’s bullshit, cause dude you're scaring me, please put the drink down immediately Cause what you're doing dude, well it’s killing you And with what you're going through, well I can only kind of forgive you But I’m afraid that I outgrew my trust in you Tripped and stumbled for the last time tonight, I don’t want to wake up with bruises But you do, you do it every night, cause you don’t care what you put other people through I could drink as much as you do, but I refuse to admit defeat There are plenty cheaper ways for me to be embarrassing You can kick and scream, deny everything, shift the blame, protect your ego Tell yourself you’re better than everyone else Tell yourself you’re better than everyone else Tell yourself you’re better than everyone else Tell yourself you’re better than everyone else But you’re not
13.
02:44
I get so caught up in all the silence And I’m so disoriented by the noise I forget about the people who love me You’ve gotta nurture things before they die And I’m not the best example of healthy Need a box of wine to bring down my heart rate To a point where not everything makes me nervous It’s a panic attack, dude, let’s get somewhere safe And I just want everyone I love To send me letters everyday So maybe one day I can rid myself of this hate I scream so many words looking for answers But they’re my own, so it’s a fruitless effort Cause the answers, well they’re in the words of others And I feel like a ukulele that’s rarely used Just a decoration on the wall Only taken down once so a dude could play John Mayer songs I wish I had to motivation to help you Analyze you like I analyze myself But that’s not realistic with all my weakness Diary entries can only seem so clear And I’m a welcome mat that hates being stepped on I’m not obligated to respond to you The people that I love, well they never talk to me But the ones I only tolerate always do And I just want everyone I love To send me letters everyday So maybe one day I can rid myself of this hate That amounts to a person that’s too heavy to be lighthearted I know one day I'll be regarded As a conscientious, gentle, empathetic failure
14.
Longing for the times you were escaping from Unable to tell what lies beneath Searching for your alibis, holding onto foolish lies There's nothing dirtier than loneliness And I'm pretty fucking lonely man Tell me how youre feeling Or else i'll never know how youre really feeling Stupid mugs and coffee beans, but you say you don't drink caffeine There's nothing left in this world that I can't live through (weak whistling) Dude I learned all the answers in the backroom of the arcade Foolishly employing my backwards sense of duty And I've seen everything change, For the better, for the worse, I can't complain And I've seen everything change For the better, for the worse, I can't complain I can't complain
15.
I wish you would hang out with me, I want to drive my car into a tree It doesn't get better, wish someone told me that when I was seventeen They'll switch up the meds, well maybe it's all in your head Although everything changes, we still lay in bed And there I'll stay underneath the floorboards Never speaking to anyone that lives here Committing myself to endless self examination Yeah man, that's the scoop I wish you would hang out with me, but you spend all your time making money Making jokes about other folks, but those are the jokes that I don't find funny And you crossed the line, when you got drunk that night But we're alone now, let's try not to fight Anxious weights shackled around my ankles Are dragging me through hot coals and infinity Commending those that see the value in altruistic maturity C'mon man, please come through And I can't quite ever say What it's like to feel ok And I can't quite ever know What it's like not to feel alone
16.
02:22
flashlights shining down the hallway at noontime twelve angry men on their cellphones under a streetlight payment plans, everyone's dead, what the fuck im sick and tired of being treated like the final product, like the final product and i feel like a ghost, never ever ever being the most and everyone wants to feel like a child star in their guardians hearts the doctors think he's crying wolf, so pay him no mind infected ulcers left untreated for a years time flying squirrels hunting birds up in the sky there's a sad movie on the tv, you've got dry eyes, you've got dry eyes and I feel like a ghost, never ever ever making the toast and everyone wants to be prioritized and everyone needs to be prioritized cause the strangest lies are the plausible ones just because you got the right piece don't mean you got the right puzzle
17.
G, Em, Bm, (Am, Bm) It seems like it was easier When you started When you started new But that's bullshit Oh, it's all, it's all, it's all, it's all An illusion So just talk my ear right off And I swear I could give a fuck So just talk my ear right off And I swear I will give a fuck About these stories About people that I Have never met About your history Your loss And all the loves that you have kept I am not the worst off Hell, I am barely worth it at all So just talk my ear right off And I swear I could give a fuck So just talk my ear right off And I swear I will give a fuck
18.
01:55
make lots of phone calls or people will forget if you don't lean into the puzzle, you'll never know if you fit you're the cancer cure and the misplaced soulmate it's a matter of fact, not a matter of fate the people you've hurt, well they're only half right fight if you will and flee if you might when humans were faced with darkness, they had to create light inside jokes with outside sources would you criticize ships that have to change courses? come on dude, the gift of the magi is true but only if people really care about you but have you heard the great news? you'll always be capable of giving them a reason to a reason to love, a reason to share a reason to fight against perpetual unfair give all ya got even when you think you've got nothing don't underestimate the power that a good joke can bring it's all pointless banter living in the infinite abyss at rise: interior human race, "we love you Harris"
19.
The people that you rely on Might one day have to leave you And I know it’s a lot of responsibility To have an illness like this Something that will tell you You can’t out of bed No no no, you’re not allowed to smile You stupid fucking worthless shithead It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you It’s just that I don’t know how to I've got nothing to say, I’m afraid of everything I just don’t want to tell you that I want to die again I just wish all the good things didn’t have to end
20.
There seems to be answers to your questions But no one will look you straight in the eye And there seems to be solutions to your problems But everyone expects you to solve them yourself And I know that we’re changing every day And I know that we’ll always find a way To clothe ourselves, to feed ourselves To find a couch that we can rest our head on Accept the future, forget the past Every happy moment can last last last And I need to yell really loud Cause my emotions are a storm cloud And I have nothing else to say I hope you have a good day

credits

released October 31, 2016

big thanks to emily ayden (emilyayden.bandcamp.com) for providing bass on "but keep trying"

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Human Kitten Tucson, Arizona

acoustic songs about isolation, crisis, pain, growth, & learning to be alive after years of anticipating death

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