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The Kind of Sandstorm You Need to Imagine

by Human Kitten

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1.
Woke up feeling okay, but that changed Add it to the list of things I can’t control Maybe I need to come to terms With the fact that I can’t create my own life Maybe it was always collaborative A joint construction of a life lived Maybe it was always collaborative A joint construction of a life lived Maybe it was always collaborative A joint construction of a life lived Maybe it was always collaborative A joint construction of a life lived You always thought That it was singular effort Coming forth from your center But you were wrong Every time you thought you were too sensitive You were just getting in tune with a deeper truth
2.
Rolling Stop 02:52
I am no longer yearning for a past I never had A childhood of simple excuses, a world of catered kind hands Disturbed by truth Only anchored by youth Never grasping how much It mattered I am no longer yearning for a person I never was A future of easy engagement, a fantasy of fairness Disturbed by truth Only anchored by delusions Of a future conversation With a person that no longer exists I am no longer praying at the altar of fantasy Asking too much of the other, performing lazy pageantry Disturbed by truth Only anchored by good will Never dwelling on what I could do better I could do better I could do better I could do better I could do better I could do better Full stop
3.
I spent a half hour in the shower Coming up with my suicide note I’d post it to every platform Before going home Caught up in my dream Of being better than I have been While knowing that in your mind I could be anything I fear I’m a disgusting fraud I’ll never overcome my flaws I can be written off as a loss No, there is no romance In being 30 and depressed Embarrassed looking back at every failed attempt To be Anything more Than another desperate ring On the cell phone of God Answering nobody Oversaturation Leading to another new sensation Of pain that will lead Into psychosis I fear it’ll always come to this A new self-destructive bliss Absolving my responsibilities to you I am a second away from death I can feel it in my fingertips I can touch the bloodshot eyes of the other side Hold up your worst great unknowns I will not die again Hold up your worst great unknowns I will not fall for it again Hold your greatest flaws close I will never blame them on you That’s a thing this awful world would do I will never blame it on you The horrors of this world are true There’s often very little we can do But I will never blame it on you
4.
A little delusion goes a long way When you live in the U.S. of A. A little destruction goes a long way When you’ve been taught by all of this decay Hold on to all you got 'Cause there’s no telling when it goes All you know is all you don’t Take your worst thought Make it everything you talk about Take your old wounds Open them up for show and tell Oh well We’re only Making it up as we go We’re making it up as we go We’re making it up as we go We’re making it up
5.
I just wanna be good enough I just wanna be good enough For you For you I just wanna be good enough I just wanna be good enough For you For you Is there anything I can do To establish myself as someone worth something to you? I just wanna feel good enough I just wanna feel good enough For you For you I just wanna feel good enough I just wanna feel good enough I just wanna be coursing through The estuary of difference between me and you Nothing will ever change And in the same breath Nothing will never stay the same The story may never change Oh but the characters continue off the page But maybe one day The words will wash away Will I ever be good enough?
6.
I know you told me forty times To go outside Alone I figured it out on my own Just like every time The stubborn unknowns Death It comes to me in the form of A traffic jam of learning I wonder, will it ever go away This drowning sensation Of change I need to shed off all this skin All to remain Something within Death It comes to me in the form of A fatalistic yearning Burned off all my hair I guess I will Have to just go bald Scorched earth answers Find nothing matters The war is an endless bore I mourn myself Before it took over The emptiness, the infinite hole Fill it with projects Yet another six pack Superficial romance Endless distractions Need to move my body Get another hobby But this might not be The way to deal with it
7.
You can find me on the fringes of a thought Absorbing each and every pain and grievance You can find me sobbing from a unseen distance Only a straight face and supportive words to offer in your time of weakness We're all immensely suffering and it may be never ending Connected only by our rage and fear Understandable why many no longer want to be here Alive in the modern age Why can't there be a way To link up all our brains And really understand the pain We put ourselves through And transfer to others too There are no satisfying answers Even when you ask the right questions Have you ever held conflicting thoughts In harmony inside your mind Have you ever really looked truth in the eyes Without a separation of plexiglass Find longing for a simpler pain Birth nostalgia for the past misery Hold onto your sentiment We live in a culture that would rather destroy itself than ever repent
8.
You want me to do well You want me to do well You want me to do well You want me to do well A great weight sign Above your head online I’ll bet you everything I have You don’t know a thing You don’t know a thing Wasted all this time In search of someplace right To fit all of my Misshapen appendages No, I don’t know the time I have lost track of mine Wasted all this time Wasted all this time Wasted all this time In fear of failing at something right
9.
Inundated with media Telling us how our lives are gonna be Protagonist and antagonist Bystander extra in the background The ways we once remembered how things were Adverse nostalgia recasting the moments we were once joyful An endless stream of fantasy drowning out all the safety Ideology In everything we see Ideology In everything we see Conflicted is the only reasonable thing to be How do you love the loveless empty in the everyone you meet? How do you heal the always bleeding in the everything? I want to love everything How do I save everything? How do I heal? Everything inside of me is blowing up so gradually Face your everything void or it’ll find a way to kill you
10.
I love to look at my phone Get upset and overwhelmed by all the complexity I love to be reminded that I can’t really know anything All the lies and all the truths The internet plays it fast and loose One big violent psychosomatic abuse I love to look at my phone Dissociate in the face of all the passing imagery I love to take laps around the edges of my own sanity All the noise, the yelling voices There is no solution to the crushing silence One big violent psychosomatic abuse Kill the tech startup in your head I guarantee you it deserves to die instead Cut off Silicon Valley’s head Maybe we can choose to survive instead I hate looking at my phone
11.
There are so many ways You can explain yourself In time you'll find that you can define anything any way you really want There are so many ways You can deceive yourself In time you'll find that you can just lie about anything you really want But you won’t, you’ll just lie there with blind hope To be understood as you are Which is nothing at all Just a shell of a boundless soul Trying to find something to distract yourself with A new video game A new fling A new hobby you’ll pick up, get really invested in for a week until you get bored There are so many ways That you can fail yourself In time you'll find you can annihilate yourself any way you really want There are so many ways That you can save yourself In time you'll find that you should just do all the boring shit that you need to do And you will, 'cause you know the alternative Self-destruct, destroy Everything That you love Destroy everything That you love It’s nothing at all It’s nothing at all It’s nothing at all Suddenly it’s everything
12.
I broke into the lighthouse screaming Telling the boats to stop or they'll crash into the rocks Too many ships are wrecked that way In preventable tragedy Hold your coast close A sense of self in the other that you can never discover if you Don’t go in the direction of what you don’t know I fell out the porthole backward Crashed head-first into the sea You never know the impact Until you’ve truly seen All your mistakes Become a drop in the bucket of this foreboding pollution That spreads through the entirety of the ocean Don’t forget to tread your arms But you’ll stop and say what’s the harm And you’ll drown slowly Without the effort, you’ll drown slowly
13.
Restless and fearful of the tomorrow that comes Emptiness prevails when the fullness is avoided in others and the self Never solutions when the answer is conflict People paved over in favor of something closer to an idea Every hurt you’ve known, it will find a place to grow A convincing lie told straight through your brain Everyone you’ve known, they will find a path to yield To another that will tell them they’re not there We’re all yielding We’re all yielding To take care is to know that failure’s coming But to face it instead of running In the opposite direction To know yourself is hard And the world is near impossible to know Take care

about

This album to dedicated to Nanci Whiteley.

credits

released December 13, 2023

Everything by Elijah.
Special thanks to the Take Carolers.

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Human Kitten Portland, Oregon

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