Velvet Waltz

by Human Kitten

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ProvokingDrama
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ProvokingDrama The lyrics are such familiar terrain to me, it's almost unnerving. These are feelings I only wish I could put into words. Beautifully written and performed. The single guitar highlights the loneliness and alienation. So good to listen to on a bad day to make you feel like you aren't alone- at least one other person out there has been through it too. Favorite track: Sensory Deprivation.
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credits

released October 31, 2017

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Human Kitten Tucson, Arizona

acoustic songs about isolation, crisis, pain, growth, & learning to be alive after years of anticipating death

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Track Name: Stuck Neverlasting
Am, G, C
Can't even write songs
Am, G, C, F
I am way too sad to even try to vocalize my thoughts
Wanna destroy my feelings
Every single damn time that I get so caught up in the healing
Cause it's never lasting
Cause I'm stuck never lasting
F, G, C, F
You could tell me a million ways
That things could get better for me
I'll give you a billion fucking excuses
For why I just keep on regressing
Back to the person I was when I was 12,
So shell shocked by the complexities
F, G, C, G, F
Of the world, and my mind,
And all the rest that is still left to be defined
Am, G, C
Most days I'm just too scared to be alive

Am, G, C
I push everyone away
Am, G, C, F
Single handedly destroying my reputation
Through the stupid things I say
That I can't take back
I am permanently damaged from the results of my past
And it's everlasting
Cause I'm stuck never lasting
F, G, C, F
I could live a trillion years
And still feel like shit every day
And I could live a quadrillion more
And still never find a fucking way
To satisfy the ones that I love, to which I wish I could say
G, C
Please forgive me now
F, G, C
Please forgive me now
F, G, C, G, F
Just give me a break, I'm just trying to make it
Through every minute of the day
Am, G, C
Before I sell this broken soul on eBay
F, C
No reserve
Track Name: Sensory Deprivation
I'm a nice filler for a party that needs some bodies
I'm a nice filler for a twitter account that needs some followers
I know my place, this is just a stepping stone, my face
I know what I am to you: nothing at all, nothing at all

24 years old, I'm still afraid of the telephone
Don't know how to make friends or not live on the internet
Haven't been to a doctor in over twelve months now
And I wish I knew how to take care of myself

I really need someone in my life
To care about the fact that I
Don't know how to survive
When left to my own devices
I am lacking in the skills that are necessary
To maintain any sense of restraint
From the urge to use my body as a punching bag for my brain

The only consistent thing
In my life has been everyone leaving
I've tried so hard, I have changed so much,
I've evolved so many times
But no one's been around to witness it,
Except for me and my conscience
I guess it's fine that I'm alone,
I'm just comforted by the fact
That it's enabled me to grow
Track Name: Heart Container
When the curtain closed before the play ended
I felt like I had lost my narrative vision
All the characters, they just disappear
Into nothingness
All their hopes, inside jokes
Their laughs, and their smiles
They just turn into dust, they just turn into dirt
It just works for me to forget you
And I'll lose parts of myself
In the process of erasing everyone
That I loved, but left
Before I had the chance to change
I just wanna prove that I wasn't lying
When I told I loved you, well that was the truth
But if you knew me now, you know I'd do anything
To be a person you need

But there's no rewriting the past,
There's no forcing the future
There is no way to give your whole soul away
And have it returned undamaged to you
Being alive is a hard sentence to fight
When none of the jurors are even on your side
So I'll play single-player role-playing
Video games
Until I die
While playing through Earthbound for the seventh time
I don't have much to say, I waste my life away
Waiting for them to all come back
And forgive me, but that won't happen
Cause they all left for a reason, and I'm not denying that
But if you knew me now, you know I'd do anything
For a chance to say to your face
I'm sorry
Track Name: Bedroom at Midnight
Cm, E, B, A
People talk about loss like it's only death
And not when people choose to leave you willingly
People talk about loss like it's only death
And not when you move real far away
And never speak to your old friends again

I guess I'm losing touch, cause I've been losing lots
And I fear I'll lose everything else if I don't gain something new now
The emptiness is consuming me, I have fallen through the void
All I see is blackness and gravestones of relationships that have died

And I guess that's fine, I guess that's fine

People talk about loss like it's only death
And not when you're diagnosed with a lifelong illness
People talk about loss like they're the only ones
To ever have felt the crushing weight
Of everything slipping away

Suddenly and violently, every worthwhile thing exits me
Including my ability to feel anything
Isolation is masturbation, incapable of any creation
All I'm doing is prolonging my suffering

E, A, Cm, B
Before things can get better
They'll get worse, and that's the worst
Currently it's seeping into every atom of my being
I've been numbing all my senses, incapable of simple gestures
I just want to show the ones that I love
That I will not be giving up again
But the grief, the grief, the grief
Makes it hard not to give in
Track Name: Stamina
Nihilism is wisdom if you're an person on the internet
Trying to get the last word in a conversation
About things that people really care about
But you're actually the smart one cause you realize nothing matters
"Hey man fuck you, who are you to tell me I'm acting like a dick?
In turn, I'll never internalize it or try to become something better
Cause what's the point, the world is burning down
Why would we need to change or grow
If we're all gonna die tomorrow?

I wish things could be better
But they'll never be, they'll never be
I wish things could be better
But they'll never be, they'll never be
And the never be, it starts with me"
Track Name: Living Room at Noon
A, E, D
I wonder what it would be like if I didn't change when I did
Would I still hurt everyone that I love?
Would I still be so toxically desperate?
E, D
Would I still send mass snapchats
A, E, D
To all of my goddamn contacts
As if there was inherent significance
Dm, E
In my loneliness

A, E, D
I spent so many nights chastising myself as a strategy
To drill into my head the audacity
That I must have had to be that way
That I must have had to act that way
E, D
I'm just so grateful to have
A, E, D
Those pills out of my life
To not be binge drinking all the time
To no longer feel like a passenger
Dm, E
Of a self-driving car headed straight into a wall

D, E
I think there's a future in
A, E, D
Dissolving into kindness
Becoming one with the lightness
Nurturing a sympathy for the darkness
And never snapping back
To the selfishness that defined you in your past
You must become
A, E, D, Dm, A
A person that you truly believe has earned love
Track Name: Doomed to Try
If you've done things you regret now
In the couple of decades you've been alive
Please tell me why and if it has to do
With the fact that you wanna be good, I believe you
I believe you, I believe you, I believe in you
Just stop fucking doing those things that you used to
The self-destructive behaviors you've learned don't only affect you
But the people you love, the ones
You wish that you could take care of
I think you're capable of that
So don't self-destruct, please do not erupt, I know it's hard
Just look deep inside, give it a try, and try again until you die
The only way to cause minimal pain is to change
You gotta change, and keep on changing
Until you're proud of the person
You are when you wake up in the morning
You won't feel sad, you won't be angry
You won't be bitter, even if you're in pain
You'll just feel grateful, cause even when you're in pain
Things look better when you look outward
At all the people that could you love
All the people that you will love
All the pool parties you haven't been to yet
All the board game nights you haven't been to yet
All the karaoke bars you haven't been to yet
But you'll never know if you give up now
You might never know what it's like
To be wholly, completely, totally
Engulfed by the love of people that have no
Obligation to see you, no obligation to treat you so well
But they still do it, cause when they see you
They see a person that would do the same for them too
Track Name: Attempt #2
I'm trying to fall in love with you
And it's stupid for me to think you'd wanna do the same too
So I will fantasize
About every plausible reality
And doubt will consume me

I really wanna see you the moment that I do wake up
But I know that's the result of a reawakened teenage view on love
I barely know you, yeah I never do
But I'd really like to, if you'd let me through

Dude, you know, that I am just a ghost
Of a shitty past self that I hope you never have to know
It's cool though, it's whatever, if you just want to be friends
Sex was never the measure of the deepness of a connection
But really man, it's fine,
Just thought it would be cool to be stupid together
It's just an adolescent crush, and I've already said too much

Infatuation is a prison
But I am my own warden
I will keep myself in check
So one day I can be released on good behavior
Track Name: Luck Everlasting
Feels like I'm hearing voices
And they're screaming at me, “You're doing it wrong”
So I just fill my stomach
With three four-dollar pizzas I bought at the supermarket
Each day just blends into the next
Constant betrayal of my success
Don't care whether I live or die
And that reflects in the way I live my life

I don't wanna feel this way
So ceaselessly focused on my own pain
So I just take a shower
I brush my teeth and later, I eat an apple
The little things they do add up
Some things have nothing to do with luck
Let's treat the self with some respect
And we all can learn to not treat ourselves as an object

Maybe if I do what other people do
When they love themselves, I'll love myself too
Maybe if I do what other people do
When they love themselves, I'll love myself too
Track Name: Self-Diagnosis
Caught in between lines
This is not my time
You try to fail
Just a ghost of a past self that you don't know very well
Emptied all my pockets in front of your highness
To prove to everyone that I'm not as rich as they thought I was

We're just emulating past behaviors that we've witnessed
As adolescents, subconsciously mirroring our parents
I know I'm not your therapist, I'm just trying to be your friend
The only real way to grow is to accept that you had a role
In why the reason things had to end

What's left to discover
Except maybe another world
Hopefully one you'll love
Full of questions answered by people
That actually know what they're talking about
I broke down in front of a Chick-fil-A
And I just hope one day things will be okay