I'm Afraid of Everything

by Human Kitten

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credits

released October 31, 2016

written and recorded by elijah llinas

big thanks to moony marrow (moonythemicher.bandcamp.com) for providing bass on "but keep trying"

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Human Kitten Ocean City, Maryland

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Track Name: I'm Afraid of Everything
E, Fm, A (picked)
My mind is haunting me
The public life is turning me into a fraud

E, Fm, A
Podcasts drown out the pain
E, Fm, A, (B, A, E)
I only wish I could be listening to them with you

E, Fm, A
When you watch a sitcom
E, Fm, A, (B, A, E)
Is it analogous to your life or do you get caught up in the fantasy
B, C#, A
Where friends are witty and conscientious
Fm
There is no long stretch of time
A
Where you will feel alone and confined
Fm, (B, A, E)
To an endless, hopeless, shameful fucking life
Track Name: La Evolucion De La Vida Social
four liters of blood taken from my veins is lousy
there is nothing i can do to escape this broken sickly body
except to loosen the reigns that i have on my brain
redirect the reality towards something that sustains

four ounces of matter taken from my brain is social reform
there is nothing i can do to distract you from the things you adorn
with all your heart and mind that you have to provide
i wish you saw me as something more than just a vehicle you collide
Track Name: The Tragedy of Errors
This is not who I am
This is not who I wanted to be
So dependent on society
To take care of me
Treatment for mental illness
Is a poor excuse for inclusiveness
And I’m not sure you respect me
If you can’t understand that it’s not all in my head

You fall down as much as I do
Nobody understands that we’re not trying to create distance
No, we’re just caught up in our own heads
Oh so possessed by the spirits that tell us not to do shit

Why do you fight all of the lovely people in your life
When you choose to insist that you’re alone?
What puts you above all of the love that you've been given?
Oh, why don't we just take a deep breath?

This is not who I am
This is not who I wanted to be
So dependent on a community
That won’t even put it’s trust in me
Track Name: Don't Blame Yourself
you interpret the things around you through the pain that other people gave you
you gotta learn that early or it’s gonna be hard
sometimes I wish I could just shut off so I didn’t have to make your life suck
the road to depression is paved with good intentions
but it’s not enough to be exposed and disposed of
neglect is not a synonym for tough love
I want to smother every bit of negativity I hold
What would be left and would it be worth keeping at all?

i had lost my will to live, which made me lose my will to give
which put me in a place where I could no longer complain
That I wasn’t getting enough
That I wasn’t getting enough
I wasn’t getting enough

as fate would have it, being ashamed for a mistaken face is a mistake i'll never make again
talk about justice and expect someone to take the fall, real and true,
but we’re crushed when they never really do

you tell me all the reasons you hate me
and it feels like you're listing off
the symptoms of a borderline personality
and I know I am not tethered
to all the behaviors or the thoughts
I know one day I could rise above it all
but for now my illness makes people think I really suck
and I guess for a couple more years I need to suck it up
need to suck it up
need to suck it up
need to suck it up
need to suck it up
Track Name: Geo Prison
Driving into oncoming traffic is a daydream of mine
I would do anything to wear my illness on the outside
Selfishly thinking that I suffer more, so my art must be better,
More worthy to see, oh the fucking audacity of me

And I’ve come to regret everyone that I’ve put trust in
And that has gotten me nowhere
It’s hard to make friends, when you’re broken and bitter, out and in
But I can’t convince anyone to care

Wondering why I’m incapable of bottling it all up
Like everyone else, that has learned not to give a fuck
About what they all think, about what they all say
Well I’m sorry, I just care too much, I think I’ll stay in bed today

And I’m aimlessly obsessed with despair, like an eight-year old kid thinking life is unfair
I hate how I’m only somewhat self-aware
And I’d rather be a comedian than a songwriter
But my pain is more real than my laughter
Oh yes, my fear contaminates all of my candor
Yeah, I’m constantly feeling emptier, a husk of thinly veiled banter
My neurotransmitters are a nuclear war disaster
Track Name: Much to Lose About Nothing
I just got another job, but I'm still not busy enough
To distract from the existential torture of being alone

Sometimes the only solution is to get up off the couch
And remind yourself there's definitely a fucking way to get out
Of this thought process you have defined as yourself for too long, for too long
There are priceless bits of wisdom if you'll open your ears
To the people that you thought were consumed by their fears
You're not the result of your successes and failures
Just a brain using perception to figure out what is real
If this isn't real
Than nothing is real

And I'll be the first to admit that I was wrong all along
Let's get the fuck outta town man, go sing some songs
To strangers in a basement in a house somewhere
There's not enough time to think about
Everything
Oh it's too confusing

But I just got another job and I'm still not busy enough
To distract from the constant fucking torture of existing alone
Track Name: Monologue-nitive Bias
Do you ever feel like you’re alone
And you can’t pick yourself up off the ground, unless your skeleton is slipping out
Forward thinking could mean anything
Your feelings mean next to nothing inside of me
Tonight
Our pain becomes a set of laws that we abide by

Do you ever need to get something done
But there are too many voices screaming in your ear, I guess I’ll deal with it after another beer
Addiction and apathy are taking hold of me
Self-deprecating doppelgangers weren’t meant to be
You're like a machine, jacked up on caffeine, and you’ve been crying
I can tell by the reflecting light on your laptop screen
And you can’t be saved now, no, no one can be saved
The dogs are jumping out the windows into the alleyway
Track Name: Rest Stop Bathroom
Broke down in a rest stop bathroom
Fell asleep at the wheel
I felt nothing when I left there
Felt everything an hour and a half away

I just wish I could stay in one place
For over six months
But I'm too scared
Of no one really knowing me for who I really am

I’m a joke, I’m a coward and an asshole
I write songs about myself
Selfless is the last word I’d use
To describe any part of my
Empty rotting social life
Distance is an asshole
That I wanna rip apart from the inside
Wanna rip apart from the inside

And all my friends are gone
Cause state lines perform as prison guards
An economic strain
On ever doing anything
Buy a bus ticket to see you
But this isn’t the way you wanted it to be
I don’t have to burn bridges
When they always crumble down behind me
Track Name: Doomed to Die
People will believe things about you that aren't true
And at the end of the day, this will never change
Yelling over and over so you’ll hear me say

I’ll write a thousand songs and I'll make my words concise
This personality I’ve nurtured is much too weak to fight
It won’t be understood and trust will melt away
“Fuck you Elijah”
Today is just another day that’s not my day
Another face looking at me with hate
The kind of class that makes you feel permanently late
And these perceptions make me angry but mostly I want to die
I want release from being misunderstood for my whole entire life
Not a masculine bone in my body, no curtain drawn inside
I want everyone to look in and see the whole me
But everybody hates me
Track Name: Black in White (Man or the Mirror)
sitting here like a statue only thinking rocky thoughts
overtaken by vegetation, regretting all the things i've bought
and would you believe the things ive seen sitting alone here in my bedroom
the things i thought i believed, they have broken seams and then the seizures, they put me to sleep

spent so much time in a solitary mind, lost all the shoulders that i could confide on
tried to bother nothing and no one, felt like a nuisance to the people outside
and who needs communication when you can just assume everybody's intentions
take the pain that someone else gave you, and pass it on to the next
like a virus
we're all guilty in some ways but lets try to break the chain

and i refuse to be used as a scapegoat for your abuse
i reclaim myself, i reclaim my life, and my right to be loved
so let's stop letting other people dictate our behavior
let the sun rise on your grievances,
destroy our false saviors
so take a deep breath and keep moving forward
i will not take a bow
just because i dont know how to be a good friend yet doesnt mean i'll never learn how
Track Name: Doomed to Survive
Feels like I’ve been losing touch with my altruistic side
I can’t help myself, so I might as well help anybody else

Close my eyes and slow my breath, I’m the only one left
Too many thoughts are racing by, so I smile and say “hi”
“My name’s Elijah and I will be serving you tonight”
“I promise to listen to your problems, even though I know I can’t solve them”

Constant shifting beating in the hearts of the weak
I’ve needed to adapt to all this change, or else I’d go insane
Insane, insane, or else I'd go, or else I’d go insane
Track Name: God Sized Hole
You said it’s easier on the outside looking in
But that’s bullshit, cause dude you're scaring me, please put the drink down immediately
Cause what you're doing dude, well it’s killing you
And with what you're going through, well I can only kind of forgive you
But I’m afraid that I outgrew my trust in you

Tripped and stumbled for the last time tonight, I don’t want to wake up with bruises
But you do, you do it every night, cause you don’t care what you put other people through

I could drink as much as you do, but I refuse to admit defeat
There are plenty cheaper ways for me to be embarrassing
You can kick and scream, deny everything, shift the blame, protect your ego
Tell yourself you’re better than everyone else
Tell yourself you’re better than everyone else
Tell yourself you’re better than everyone else
Tell yourself you’re better than everyone else
But you’re not
Track Name: Beach City
I get so caught up in all the silence
And I’m so disoriented by the noise
I forget about the people who love me
You’ve gotta nurture things before they die
And I’m not the best example of healthy
Need a box of wine to bring down my heart rate
To a point where not everything makes me nervous
It’s a panic attack, dude, let’s get somewhere safe

And I just want everyone I love
To send me letters everyday
So maybe one day I can rid myself of this hate
I scream so many words looking for answers
But they’re my own, so it’s a fruitless effort
Cause the answers, well they’re in the words of others

And I feel like a ukulele that’s rarely used
Just a decoration on the wall
Only taken down once so a dude could play John Mayer songs

I wish I had to motivation to help you
Analyze you like I analyze myself
But that’s not realistic with all my weakness
Diary entries can only seem so clear
And I’m a welcome mat that hates being stepped on
I’m not obligated to respond to you
The people that I love, well they never talk to me
But the ones I only tolerate always do

And I just want everyone I love
To send me letters everyday
So maybe one day I can rid myself of this hate
That amounts to a person that’s too heavy to be lighthearted
I know one day I'll be regarded
As a conscientious, gentle, empathetic failure
Track Name: All's Hell That Ends Hell
Longing for the times you were escaping from
Unable to tell what lies beneath
Searching for your alibis, holding onto foolish lies
There's nothing dirtier than loneliness
And I'm pretty fucking lonely man

Tell me how youre feeling
Or else i'll never know how youre really feeling
Stupid mugs and coffee beans, but you say you don't drink caffeine
There's nothing left in this world that I can't live through

(weak whistling)

Dude I learned all the answers in the backroom of the arcade
Foolishly employing my backwards sense of duty

And I've seen everything change,
For the better, for the worse, I can't complain
And I've seen everything change
For the better, for the worse, I can't complain
I can't complain
Track Name: Hang Out With Me
I wish you would hang out with me, I want to drive my car into a tree
It doesn't get better, wish someone told me that when I was seventeen
They'll switch up the meds, well maybe it's all in your head
Although everything changes, we still stay in bed

And there I'll stay underneath the floorboards
Never speaking to anyone that lives here
Committing myself to endless self examination
Yeah man, that's the scoop

I wish you would hang out with me, but you spend all your time making money
Making jokes about other folks, but those are the jokes that I don't find funny
And you crossed the line, when you got drunk that night
But we're alone now, let's try not to fight

Anxious weights shackled around my ankles
Are dragging me through hot coals and infinity
Commending those that see the value in altruistic maturity
C'mon man, please come through

And I can't quite ever say
What it's like to feel ok
And I can't quite ever know
What it's like not to feel alone
Track Name: Halloween
flashlights shining down the hallway at noontime
twelve angry men on their cellphones under a streetlight
payment plans, everyone's dead, what the fuck
im sick and tired of being treated like the final product, like the final product

and i feel like a ghost, never ever ever being the most
and everyone wants to feel like a child star in their guardians hearts

the doctors think he's crying wolf, so pay him no mind
infected ulcers left untreated for a years time
flying squirrels hunting birds up in the sky
there's a sad movie on the tv, you've got dry eyes, you've got dry eyes

and I feel like a ghost, never ever ever making the toast
and everyone wants to be prioritized
and everyone needs to be prioritized

cause the strangest lies are the plausible ones
just because you got the right piece don't mean you got the right puzzle
Track Name: Titus Androgynous
G, Em, Bm, (Am, Bm)
It seems like it was easier
When you started
When you started new
But that's bullshit
Oh, it's all, it's all, it's all, it's all
An illusion
So just talk my ear right off
And I swear I could give a fuck
So just talk my ear right off
And I swear I will give a fuck
About these stories
About people that I
Have never met
About your history
Your loss
And all the loves that you have kept
I am not the worst off
Hell, I am barely worth it at all
So just talk my ear right off
And I swear I could give a fuck
So just talk my ear right off
And I swear I will give a fuck
Track Name: Robin
make lots of phone calls or people will forget
if you don't lean into the puzzle, you'll never know if you fit
you're the cancer cure and the misplaced soulmate
it's a matter of fact, not a matter of fate

the people you've hurt, well they're only half right
fight if you will and flee if you might
when humans were faced with darkness, they had to create light
inside jokes with outside sources
would you criticize ships that have to change courses?
come on dude, the gift of the magi is true
but only if people really care about you
but have you heard the great news?
you'll always be capable of giving them a reason to

a reason to love, a reason to share
a reason to fight against perpetual unfair
give all ya got even when you think you've got nothing
don't underestimate the power that a good joke can bring
it's all pointless banter living in the infinite abyss
at rise: interior human race, "we love you Harris"
Track Name: The End Again
The people that you rely on
Might one day have to leave you
And I know it’s a lot of responsibility
To have an illness like this
Something that will tell you
You can’t out of bed
No no no, you’re not allowed to smile
You stupid fucking worthless shithead

It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you
It’s just that I don’t know how to
I've got nothing to say, I’m afraid of everything
I just don’t want to tell you that I want to die again
I just wish all the good things didn’t have to end
Track Name: But Keep Trying
There seems to be answers to your questions
But no one will look you straight in the eye
And there seems to be solutions to your problems
But everyone expects you to solve them yourself

And I know that we’re changing every day
And I know that we’ll always find a way

To clothe ourselves, to feed ourselves
To find a couch that we can rest our head on
Accept the future, forget the past
Every happy moment can last last last

And I need to yell really loud
Cause my emotions are a storm cloud
And I have nothing else to say
I hope you have a good day